faking my own suicide
by CherryFlavoredChalk
Summary: Miss you like something that hurts, fucker. Axel and Roxas and loving someone after they're gone. Euthanasia epilogue.


**A/N: **I don't even know how many months and years it's been since _Euthanasia _was done with, but a review from smileyfacebabe reminded me that sometimes, people read it and review and still like it. It's mind boggling, but I thought I would write a little epilogue thing for it. This is dedicated to everyone who reviewed, enjoyed, or came across the story and liked it. And props to Kelsey, who will probably be the only one to recognize the title from the song.

* * *

**faking my own suicide.**

_well, hold a double funeral_

_because a part of you will die_

_along with me._

It's nice out, the air crisp and cutting. Axel thinks that if he really wanted to, he could bite into it. It would taste like apples from the orchard two towns over; sharp and brilliant and red. He'd be able to wrap his hand around the fullness of it and dig in with his teeth until he reached the core, spitting out the seeds of late fall from underneath his tongue.

It's another autumn. Riku still isn't here.

He lights a cigarette, even though he doesn't smoke much anymore. Demyx throws a shit fit every time he did and would sweep him out of their shared apartment with the ashes, spraying air freshener in every available corner. Tidus merely pulls it out of his mouth, grinding it under his heel as Selphie smiles widely at his side. After a year of curling his body around up to the ceiling and directing the tail of his Kool Milds to the vent, he'd let Demyx crush his pack with his business shoes and flick them, one by one, into the trash bin.

He saved a cigarette for every time he went to Riku's grave and lit it with shaky fingers. It took him four tries to get it right.

It's been four years.

"Hey, fucker." It makes him feel stupid to talk to a gravestone. As much as everyone and their brother told him that Riku was just there, curled under six feet of dirt and rocks, he can't picture it. All he can think of is bones; Riku's bones and dried, tired blood. "Hey, fucker. I miss you."

Roxas never says anything when they go to the cemetery, and Axel never gets the courage to ask how he always knows. Roxas doesn't smile knowingly or frown irritably when he sees Axel winding down the street in his windbreaker; he just trails beside him softly on the bike that Riku used to ride to their shared Biology lab on Thursdays, his eyes watchful and chipped, like ice blocks.

He puts a hand on Axel's shoulder when he talks to the gravestone. Riku almost hadn't gotten one because he killed himself and that was a sin and a waste and everything else his parents had typed out in their polite Times New Roman letter to them. It had been an even bigger scene when they'd requested to at least have the urn flown back to burry under the earth. Demyx had sworn a blue streak when he'd seen the letter and threatened to sue them, even though he had only possessed several guitar picks and thirty dollars at the time.

"You have the shittiest gravestone ever." Axel croaks. He kneels in front of the stone, flicks at the crown of it with his index finger and breaks the nail off at the tip, watching it fall in between the dried flowers that someone, probably Selphie, set there last time. "Not that I care."

He doesn't know all the words to Amazing Grace, but he kind of wants to sing them anyways. He manages to make it to 'was blind but now I see' before he has to press his fist to his mouth to keep from snorting or laughing or crying. Roxas hands tightens gently on his shoulder, kneading it like the bread Sora used to make. His fingers are rough and callused, like Riku. His eyes are bright and shining, like Demyx's after the wake and as solid as Tidus's arms around his shoulders after their Upside Town's last concert.

He knows he should feel guilty for always thinking about Roxas in terms of other people's characteristics, but he doesn't. It feels warm and familiar.

"I'm not going to follow him, you know." Roxas says flatly, smoothing the flat of his hand over Axel's head. They always end up like this; Axel finally turning his face to muffle any and every sound his traitorous body chooses to make to Roxas's stomach, the blonde man's hand carding through his stiff hair . "So you can stop following me here."

"You little shit." Axel rasps into the wool. "He was my best friend."

Roxas ignores him. "I'm not still in love with him."

Axel peels his face back from Roxas's stomach and scowls up at him. "Yeah? Then why do you still come here?"

"It's called common courtesy. We used to fuck but then he died, so I visit his grave from time to time."

Axel punches him right in the eye. This happens every year, without fail. Roxas looks like he's about to cry and says something snide, so Axel has the punch the shit out of him to keep them from both completely losing it.

"Well, I love him." Axel's breathing hard and his knuckles are rubbed raw from where he'd hit Roxas right on the eyelid. "I still love him a hell of a lot and I know it's been four years but it still hurts. It still hurts that Sora died and he died and no matter what I did, or anyone did, perfectly good people just kept hurting and crying and wanting up until they died and we couldn't care anymore. And it hurts that you're still standing here, loving the shit out him with your stupid, beating heart."

Roxas just stares at him. "Axel," he says, and that's all it takes for him to stumble back into his arms. This time, Roxas wraps himself around Axel's thin, shaking frame and welcomes him in a way that is uniquely Roxas and cannot possibly be connected to Selphie or Riku or Sora or Tidus or Demyx or anyone else at all.

"I'm not lying." The blonde says. "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not -" He give up halfway through and just holds onto Axel for several moments, up until the redhead pulls away.

"You want to go for coffee?"

"No." says Roxas, and they're suddenly back to how it always is. "I have to go meet Seifer in a bit. There's not enough time."

"Oh. Right. Well, see you around." And he's watching Roxas turn away like always, walking back to the gate like he does after they're done with this part and he's got to get to the other side of the gate, where his bike is, before someone steals it.

Something in Axel bursts, and before he fully realizes it, he's running up to Roxas and snatching the blonde's chin up roughly before he can even manage to get all the way over the gate.

"Are you happy?" he asks breathlessly.

"What? Let me go, Axel, c'mon-"

"No, wait. Answer the question. Are you happy?"

"W-Well." Roxas stammers. "I'm content. I mean, I guess I'm satisfied. Is that the right answer?"

"Good enough." Axel says, shrugging, and realizes he's still got Roxas's chin trapped between his fingers and lets go. He kisses Roxas's smooth, unlined forehead before he reminds himself not to and almost vomits from the amount of surprise on the blonde's face. "That didn't happen. Do not tell Seifer; he'll beat the shit out of me. And that was from Riku, by the way. Don't give me that look, you know what I mean."

Roxas's smile kinda-sorta-not-really reaches his eyes. "Mum's the word, Ax," he says teasingly and pedals off quickly. Axel nods and sets off in the opposite direction, stopping to nudge the stone on his way out.

"Miss you like something that hurts, fucker." he says, and his voice doesn't even begin to wobble anymore.


End file.
